Sometimes life requires me to have irregular hours, so on those strange days...Kinsey puts me to bed.
Tonight this is the story she told me:
"Mommy this story will be a little bit scary and a lot nice, okay?
Once a long time ago, you heard fireworks and they were loud and woke you up. But i slept through the fireworks and i loved you. The end."
She was right. That story was a lot nice.
Last night while putting Kinsey to bed you asked me, " mommy how many days until your birthday?"
So i quickly estimated around 250 days, to which you responded, " Whoa that's a long time, are you going to have a party?"
I laughed. " sure! Do you and daddy want to throw one for me?"
You responded, " oh yes! I can help daddy with the cake! What kind of cake do you want mommy?"
I proceeded to explain how many layers of chocolate i wanted when you interrupted me with, " ok yeah, but what KIND of cake, like Cinderella. Or Ariel, or Tangled, or Elsa and Anna, or Olaf?"
"Olaf I suppose."
"Ooh good choice mommy!, ok im ready for bed now."
You. Crack. Me. Up.
My little firecracker;
You might just be about everything to me at this juncture of my life. You make me laugh, and not little passing laughs, but real joyful laughs that I can relive again and again. You cheer me up when I am blue, sincerely and heartfeltly. You, Kinsey Jewel, make me feel hope and true love, and family, and grace and mercy altogether in who you are...I can never express in these mundane words how much I love you, and need you. And to blow my mind even more-that inexpressable feeling of love- is NOTHING compared to how much and how well God loves us.
I can just barely attempt to understand, and just that little bit of understanding, has made me see something so much bigger than me, my life, my love, that its completely overwhelming (in an awestruck way).
Praise be to the God of the Universe for peeling back my eyelids and these layers of hardness on my heart so they could both see and experience THIS. What a privilege. How humbling and amazing.
You were a surprise to me, but not to Him, and Ive never received a better gift before, or since salvation.
Surprise victory, surprise precious.
His Precious Victory.
Love your momma,
Heather Jo
Dear Kinsey,
This may be one of the more important posts I write to you. While I hope that you will have your daddy's disposition and be an optimist, half of you is from me, and well let's just say that God made me more sensitive, and more "realistic" (code for pessimistic). So as the years have gone by and I've made one completely selfish choice after another that has created circimstances and a situation in where I am not only feeling trapped but also overwhelmed, hopeless, useless, and possibly even a little suicidal. Not to be dramatic. I feel emotions very deeply and, though I'm not proud of it, they tend to make or break my day.
I wanted to share that with you so you know that you arent alone if you feel like this. But that's not the end....thankfully God has saved me from this emotionally controlled life. I have times that I descend into that tendency again, but God's word and His Spirit soothe my weary spirit and breathe the Truth into my heart, mind and soul. I am a weak follower of Christ, but He is enough and His act of obedience makes me enough.
No person can give you this.
No activity, sport or hobby can give you this.
No amount of drugs or alcohol can give you this.
No amount of "things" can give you this.
No amount of power or status can give you this.
No amouny of money can give you this.
Please, please remember this. No matter how it "seems" or "feels" like these other things can give you what your soul is longing for, THEY CANNOT.
I love you so much Kinsey Jewel.
I pray that you choose to love and obey God in your life. If you do, you will never regret it. I never have. I only regret my disobediences and their consequences. I will never regret my choice to love and obey. Never.
Your momma,
Heather Jo
My dearest Kinsey Jewel;
You are in this hilarious phase right now.
You want to brush my teeth...
And I figure why not, it can't hurt the process of teaching you...
So there we go..
This is the summary of what happens...
You start with instructions " say eeeee", and start VIGOROUSLY brushing my front teeth. Then "Tongue!", and you half heartedly brush my tongue.
Then the fun starts...." say ahhh!"
"Oh yeah, get those teethies!"
"Clean those teethies!"
With each phrase you get closer and closer to my face with intensity...
Then the song begins...
" you gotta brush these teethies until they're sparkly clean!"
"You gotta brush, brush, brush your teeth so they're SO clean!"
I find it really hard not laugh and make toothpaste spray all over your intense toothbrushing song-singing cute little face...
I love you baby girl.
Love your momma
Heather Jo
Tonight when I got home from work, I asked you Kinsey three things you had done today.
You refused to tell me.
Of course first my mind is immediately frightened that something bad happened.
I ask again...
You say " nothing".
I ask a little more demandingly.
You say "Never!"
You have a time out in your room.
You come out of your room and proceed to tell me through some tears that you'll never do that again. (Trust me lovey, you absolutely WILL).
Three hours later.....
You come into the front room where Im watching t.v., and say "umm Momma? I need to have a little talk with you."
" You know when you hurt my feelings and put me in my room for a timeout?"
" I don't think that's right."
" You hurt MY feelings!"
"You need a timeout."
Well, you're more right than I'd like to admit.
But I am your momma, and God gave me the responsibility of teaching and training you.
Even on the days I don't want to, or don't feel like I have the strength, or patience.
Even when I want to scream and have my very own tantrum.
Even when my to-do list is a hundred miles long.
I love you Kinsey Jewel.
In these days, I see in you the battle, something worth the injury and loss of war, someone that God created and intended for good things.
Your Momma,
Heather Jo
This morning while waiting for the school bus I was going over mylist of errands with Kinsey in the car. After listing off the groceries I was planning to get, Kinsey says "Okay" in a disappointed tone. To which I respond " you dont want bananas?"
Then she says " nope, i want oranges and donuts."
" donuts are fruit too mommy!"
Ummm no they arent. I wish.
I love you little girl.
Your momma,
Heather Jo
