Sometimes life requires me to have irregular hours, so on those strange days...Kinsey puts me to bed.
Tonight this is the story she told me:
"Mommy this story will be a little bit scary and a lot nice, okay?
Once a long time ago, you heard fireworks and they were loud and woke you up. But i slept through the fireworks and i loved you. The end."
She was right. That story was a lot nice.
Last night while putting Kinsey to bed you asked me, " mommy how many days until your birthday?"
So i quickly estimated around 250 days, to which you responded, " Whoa that's a long time, are you going to have a party?"
I laughed. " sure! Do you and daddy want to throw one for me?"
You responded, " oh yes! I can help daddy with the cake! What kind of cake do you want mommy?"
I proceeded to explain how many layers of chocolate i wanted when you interrupted me with, " ok yeah, but what KIND of cake, like Cinderella. Or Ariel, or Tangled, or Elsa and Anna, or Olaf?"
"Olaf I suppose."
"Ooh good choice mommy!, ok im ready for bed now."
You. Crack. Me. Up.
My little firecracker;
You might just be about everything to me at this juncture of my life. You make me laugh, and not little passing laughs, but real joyful laughs that I can relive again and again. You cheer me up when I am blue, sincerely and heartfeltly. You, Kinsey Jewel, make me feel hope and true love, and family, and grace and mercy altogether in who you are...I can never express in these mundane words how much I love you, and need you. And to blow my mind even more-that inexpressable feeling of love- is NOTHING compared to how much and how well God loves us.
I can just barely attempt to understand, and just that little bit of understanding, has made me see something so much bigger than me, my life, my love, that its completely overwhelming (in an awestruck way).
Praise be to the God of the Universe for peeling back my eyelids and these layers of hardness on my heart so they could both see and experience THIS. What a privilege. How humbling and amazing.
You were a surprise to me, but not to Him, and Ive never received a better gift before, or since salvation.
Surprise victory, surprise precious.
His Precious Victory.
Love your momma,
Heather Jo
Dear Kinsey,
This may be one of the more important posts I write to you. While I hope that you will have your daddy's disposition and be an optimist, half of you is from me, and well let's just say that God made me more sensitive, and more "realistic" (code for pessimistic). So as the years have gone by and I've made one completely selfish choice after another that has created circimstances and a situation in where I am not only feeling trapped but also overwhelmed, hopeless, useless, and possibly even a little suicidal. Not to be dramatic. I feel emotions very deeply and, though I'm not proud of it, they tend to make or break my day.
I wanted to share that with you so you know that you arent alone if you feel like this. But that's not the end....thankfully God has saved me from this emotionally controlled life. I have times that I descend into that tendency again, but God's word and His Spirit soothe my weary spirit and breathe the Truth into my heart, mind and soul. I am a weak follower of Christ, but He is enough and His act of obedience makes me enough.
No person can give you this.
No activity, sport or hobby can give you this.
No amount of drugs or alcohol can give you this.
No amount of "things" can give you this.
No amount of power or status can give you this.
No amouny of money can give you this.
Please, please remember this. No matter how it "seems" or "feels" like these other things can give you what your soul is longing for, THEY CANNOT.
I love you so much Kinsey Jewel.
I pray that you choose to love and obey God in your life. If you do, you will never regret it. I never have. I only regret my disobediences and their consequences. I will never regret my choice to love and obey. Never.
Your momma,
Heather Jo
My dearest Kinsey Jewel;
You are in this hilarious phase right now.
You want to brush my teeth...
And I figure why not, it can't hurt the process of teaching you...
So there we go..
This is the summary of what happens...
You start with instructions " say eeeee", and start VIGOROUSLY brushing my front teeth. Then "Tongue!", and you half heartedly brush my tongue.
Then the fun starts...." say ahhh!"
"Oh yeah, get those teethies!"
"Clean those teethies!"
With each phrase you get closer and closer to my face with intensity...
Then the song begins...
" you gotta brush these teethies until they're sparkly clean!"
"You gotta brush, brush, brush your teeth so they're SO clean!"
I find it really hard not laugh and make toothpaste spray all over your intense toothbrushing song-singing cute little face...
I love you baby girl.
Love your momma
Heather Jo
Tonight when I got home from work, I asked you Kinsey three things you had done today.
You refused to tell me.
Of course first my mind is immediately frightened that something bad happened.
I ask again...
You say " nothing".
I ask a little more demandingly.
You say "Never!"
You have a time out in your room.
You come out of your room and proceed to tell me through some tears that you'll never do that again. (Trust me lovey, you absolutely WILL).
Three hours later.....
You come into the front room where Im watching t.v., and say "umm Momma? I need to have a little talk with you."
" You know when you hurt my feelings and put me in my room for a timeout?"
" I don't think that's right."
" You hurt MY feelings!"
"You need a timeout."
Well, you're more right than I'd like to admit.
But I am your momma, and God gave me the responsibility of teaching and training you.
Even on the days I don't want to, or don't feel like I have the strength, or patience.
Even when I want to scream and have my very own tantrum.
Even when my to-do list is a hundred miles long.
I love you Kinsey Jewel.
In these days, I see in you the battle, something worth the injury and loss of war, someone that God created and intended for good things.
Your Momma,
Heather Jo
This morning while waiting for the school bus I was going over mylist of errands with Kinsey in the car. After listing off the groceries I was planning to get, Kinsey says "Okay" in a disappointed tone. To which I respond " you dont want bananas?"
Then she says " nope, i want oranges and donuts."
" donuts are fruit too mommy!"
Ummm no they arent. I wish.
I love you little girl.
Your momma,
Heather Jo
Tonight you asked me to read a book that is kind of long....
I hesitated but did it anyway.
You were alert through most of it, but as i finished the last couple pages you grew quieter.
When I finished I looked over at you and you're eyes were fluttering and you lay basically asleep until I tried to stand up from sitting on the bed.
It was the first time that you almost feel asleep from story time...and I didn't even want to move, I could have watched you all night.
Oh how I love you,
Your momma,
Heather Jo
As we return from one side of the family's vacation, I'm struck with how much I want this season of life with you Kinsey Jewel to last a longtime.
Are you exhausting? Yes.
Are you the cutest bestest thing since sliced bread? Absolutely.
Are you my heart and my conscience? Yep.
I am certainly challenged by you as a parent, but also as a person.
There are just things that you do or say that bring to mind some weighty issues. Parenting is really for us parents to truly and finally grow up.
As if the first time I thought I was growing up was scary, now I'm terrified.
God works in mysterious ways sweetheart.
I love you,
All of you, the good and bad,
Heather Jo
So my love. You came down with a cold with a gross sounding cough.
Tonight I am relaxing on the couch when you get up from your nap and sit next to me. You remind me that Daddy doesn't want to touch your hands or face because he doesn't want to get sick....okay....
Minutes go by as Daddy and I are trying to finish a movie, when you let out three farts. Not one fart but three in a row. Daddy asks "WHAT was that?" I told him you farted, and you agree, it was you
Then you turn to me and say " don't touch my hands or face okay mommy?", when i didn't respond you grab my face with both hands and repeat yourself while talking right in my face.
Then just a millisecond later you turn to me and say " i love to fart."
Just matter-of-fact, no humor.
" i love to fart".
I.almost.peed.my.pants.laughing.
I sure love you Kinsey Jewel,
Love your momma,
Heather Jo
Today I decided to take you to "create-a-memory", a paint/pottery/stained glass art studio here in town. I've been going for years, taking hours to paint one item.
So today we went to do just that- or so I thought.
We arrived and you picked out an M to paint in like ten seconds.
Immediately you were ready for paint colors, blue and purple of course. After getting set you started to paint. I went to pick out colors for the vase i wanted to paint.
I get back maybe two minutes have gone by and you're almost done!
I sit down to paint and you say to me, "I'm done, whats next for art?"
Ahhhh! Ok so we get you a K next and two new colors that will never match the blue and purple on the M.
That takes you a little longer, thank goodness.
I am almost finished painting the simplest vase ever, and I make a mistake. I groan out loud, to which you reply, " It's okay momma, there is no right or wrong in art!"
Well, you're right sweetie.
So i left the mistake there and added your quote.
So little, but so wise.
Love you my little artist!
Your Momma,
Heather Jo
Dearest daughter,
I DO NOT WANT YOU TO GET THIS!
So I'm sorry that you're feelings are hurt when I don't play with you. Or when I have to leave your room because I coughed so hard I peed myself a little.
I'm sorry that my energy is low, and daddy's too. Or that you have to wash your hands constantly, and avoid touching doors and couches and that kind of stuff
But my darling, if you get this cold, i will feel SO guilty.
So until Momma and Daddy feel better life might be a little boring or rigid. But we do this because we love you and never want you to hurt if we can help it. Especially physically.
We love you Kinsey Jewel.
Love,
Your momma,
Heather Jo
It's been over a year my little one since I've written to you. Well today made me want to write again.
After being sick for 6 days today I finally felt well enough to attempt chores and errands. Of course Daddy got sick and we left him at home.
I dropped you at your sitter's (Elizabeth's) for a few hours.
Later when i picked you up i took you to baskin & robbins. I love that place!!
It holds a lot of warm memories from my childhood, and i hope it will for you. It's not really about the ice cream, although that makes out considerably better, but about that special twenty minutes that my mom took out of her day to be with just me. I know a lot of kids don't get much one on one time with their parents alone. I hope we can expand to things like crafts or reading the same book and talking about it, or having philosophic discussions, or pedicures and manicures. 😉
Anyway back to today....
So we're sitting enjoying our ice cream (you with vanilla and chocolate sauce, me with fudge brownie and hot fudge), and you look up at me and say " I love you so much".
I melted.
I can't help but think that in 10 or so years you probably will never say that to me. I hope it's not true, but I'm expecting it....
Kinsey please read this in ten years and tell me that you love me so much.
Cherishing the moment,
Your momma,
Heather Jo
