Gastroenteritis...

is inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract, involving the stomach, intestines, or both; usually resulting in diarrhea, abdominal cramps, nausea and possibly vomiting.

Well that's just what happened. Sunday, January 16th at approximately 9pm it started. Both Dad and I were awfully sick, and then you woke up sweetie, covered in vomit. It was not a pretty sight, or smell. And I felt so sorry for you. I had really hoped that you weren't going to be sick.  But alas, you did. You were a trooper, that's for sure. I was so proud, you got over it pretty quickly and went right back to sleep. You were even in a good mood when you got up the next morning. Good job~I wish Dad and I had been. Here it is Wednesday already, and I'm still not feeling right. It may take a few more days, to feel up to speed. When things like this happen it makes me slow down for at least a moment and relish my relative health. The fact that I've never had to deal with anything too bad, and that we live in a place with medicine and clean living conditions. I am so grateful for everything that God has blessed me with- you, dad, our home, our jobs, our family and friends, and most of all His Son and His love. We love you Kinsey. Hang in there!

Love your momma, 

Heather Jo

First Birthday Extravaganza

My lovely Kinsey Jewel;

      In 2 days we will be celebrating your first birthday. I cannot believe that it has been a whole year already. And yet, I'm tired enough to believe it. 
    I have a fun party planned for you, although its unlikely you'll understand what to do. But that's ok, this party is for mommy and daddy. And your grandparents, and friends. Next year maybe you'll have more to say about it. :) We love you so much Kinsey. I wish we could shower you with gifts and the finest things but we can't. 
     All we have for now is our love and our time. Hopefully when you get older and can understand and appreciate what a rare gift these both are in our world you will carry the memory in your heart forever. 
     Your first birthday party is taking place on an important Oregon event. The Civil War game between the OSU Beavers and the U of O Ducks is happening at the same time. The Ducks has been unbeatable this year- so it proves to be a momentous occasion. Always to be remembered, for us because of you, for Oregon because of the Civil War.
    To me it doesn't mean anything more than a fly on the wall compared to the celebrating in my heart that you made it through an entire year with me as your mother! It is a great achievement and I'm both excited and terrified of the next year. 

Happy Birthday my only first daughter!
Your momma, 
Heather Jo

Dreams- the bad ones

Ever since you came along Kinsey, I've struggled with weird and sometimes downright scary dreams. I guess its those crazy hormones.
I had a doozy of one the other night.
There I was, pregnant with a little brother for you Kinsey, and I died. After I gave birth to him that is. It was awful. I've never experienced so much sorrow in my heart. I had to leave you behind, and this incredible little boy I didn't know. And I left Daddy behind, alone, and it broke my heart.
In the dream I had no choice. I couldn't "come" back. I wept in the arms of my father, my heavenly Father, as I watched you and Daddy and the little one...
Hopefully this won't happen- ever. But I wanted to document it, because I love you and Daddy- and any future children- so much. I want you to know that, because sometimes I get upset, or annoyed. Anytime that might happen, just remember I love you.

Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose.

Dearest Kinsey, 

I am deeply convicted. My tongue is out of control. So much of what I say is pure poison. And I wonder why I feel my life and relationships becoming fragile, or distant. I cannot teach you to be this way. My heart aches because although I know I can be better, that God can and will help me. I am downtrodden still the same with the fact that this will rub off on you. Even if I curb so much of it, I will still fail. Fail you. I will fail you.
Oh Lord, please shield my precious little girl from my shortcomings.

Suicide of the Bumbo

Its true. The Bumbo committed suicide on Hwy 22. It just jumped right out of the back of the truck. I didn't even know until a few minutes later...when I went back for it, well let's just say, it was done.  It served well. Goodbye Bumbo.

The misadventures of Kinsey Jewel

Ok. We've tried swimming, as you can see above. I'm not sure its your favorite activity. You much prefer kicking the floor. Or eating. Or flapping your arms up and down. But I just love this picture of you Miss Kinsey. You look just, I don't know, like the calm after the storm. "Whew! I'm in momma's arms, not in that water anymore." Too bad, I have way too many cute swimming suits for you to wear- you are just gonna have to get over it, and do this for momma. I promise to be there with you. I won't let anything happen to you- I promise darling.
This just makes me think about all the things I avoid because I'm afraid I will fail. Don't look at life that way Kinsey. Its way too short to always be holding yourself back. Experience life. Learn life. Failure doesn't matter. It really doesn't. If  it did, then God wouldn't love us the way He does. I don't care if you fail at something. At anything. You are still my daughter and I love you. I love love you. More than I can express. And He loves you even more, and better, and more completely, and totally unselfishly. Awesome, isn't it? In every meaning of the word, awesome. So go on, try new things, experience new life, open your heart to others, tell others the truth. It doesn't matter if you fail. I'll be here to catch you, comfort you, encourage you. And if I fail at that (which I'm sure I will at some point), God won't. He's the only one that won't fail EVER. His salvation doesn't fail you, He won't fail you, His word won't fail you.
Happy misadventures baby!
Love,
Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Kinsey: My Heart

To my heart, Kinsey Jewel;
Daddy and I have invested in a new home for our family.It is a crazy time, I am exhausted but excited, and nervous at the same time. Last week, you were being watched by Kat, and then by Sue and I didn't see you awake at all that day. I think that might have been the saddest day in my life so far. I came home, exhausted, covered in paint, with a monstrous headache, and there you were sleeping so soundly and sweetly, and my heart burst. I just started crying. I couldn't believe how much it hurt to not see you for a whole day. How much I've come to depend on you to lift my spirits, and make me feel needed and loved. I wasn't in despair or crisis, I just realized that what I'd been told was true- your child is like living with your heart outside your body- real, alive, vulnerable, everything that encompasses you out there for someone to hurt, or take advantage of, or disregard as unimportant. It hurt. Physically but most intensely emotionally. I love you my little heart. I know this is only the beginning of the pain I will feel throughout this adventure of motherhood, but I like it (I think).
Your momma,
Heather Jo