My little Princess,
Kinsey Jewel,
I'm so excited for the stage that you are starting. You just started eating rice cereal and oatmeal cereal- and loving it. Although I'm not sure what you love more, eating or making a mess. You are all smiles for just about everyone and that is so much fun. You also have a mischievous side, already. I can't believe that in a week and a half you'll be 6 months old. Has it really been that long ago? Is it just the lack of sleep that makes time go by in such a strange, new way? I love you so much. I can't even describe it. You are sure being used by God to teach me a lot of things, the hardest right now for me....patience.
Love your Momma,
Heather Jo
May 26, 2010
May 13, 2010
Exhaustion
Oh Kinsey Jewel,
I really thought by this time I would be feeling energized and "like my old self" again. I'm beginning to realize that I will never be my old self again. Its impossible. My body has changed, my priorities have changed, my available time has changed. I look at pictures from 3 years ago, and think, "I want that Heather back". But then I wouldn't have you and that is not acceptable. Maybe there are some things I'll just have to accept about myself. I'll never be a size 6, I'll never feel energetic or rested again, I'll never have cash flow, or income that isn't spoken for, I'll never be free to workout twice a day...but I would never change it if it meant no Kinsey. I love you, and in the past 3 months, you've grown to bring me such joy and happiness. I know it will only get more complicated from here... but I am trying to enjoy each moment. Someday I'll feel rested (At least from time to time), and I won't care about that Heather in 2007. But for now I am transitioning, however poorly.
Even exhaustion doesn't change my love for you,
Your Momma,
Heather Jo
I really thought by this time I would be feeling energized and "like my old self" again. I'm beginning to realize that I will never be my old self again. Its impossible. My body has changed, my priorities have changed, my available time has changed. I look at pictures from 3 years ago, and think, "I want that Heather back". But then I wouldn't have you and that is not acceptable. Maybe there are some things I'll just have to accept about myself. I'll never be a size 6, I'll never feel energetic or rested again, I'll never have cash flow, or income that isn't spoken for, I'll never be free to workout twice a day...but I would never change it if it meant no Kinsey. I love you, and in the past 3 months, you've grown to bring me such joy and happiness. I know it will only get more complicated from here... but I am trying to enjoy each moment. Someday I'll feel rested (At least from time to time), and I won't care about that Heather in 2007. But for now I am transitioning, however poorly.
Even exhaustion doesn't change my love for you,
Your Momma,
Heather Jo
April 27, 2010
Practical Advice
My little girl,
Today I have some practical advice for you. A collection of things I live by that aren't spiritual or have any eternal meaning. But nonetheless they have some value, however little.
1. Never wear Navy and Black together- its just bad.
2. If you do choose to wear brown and black together...choose the colors wisely.
3. Black eyeliner entirely around the eye is not a good look, unless you are trashy.
4. Remember to condition the ends of your hair first, as they need more conditioner than the roots.
5. Gum- always have some...
6. Floss. Its boring and uncomfortable and easy to forget- but just do it. Your dental health will be better and your smile will look and feel better.
7. Put cash away when you can. And forget about it. Its amazing how it can add up for when you need it, or for fun.
8. Invest in a good bra- trust me its worth it.
9. Treat your feet good. If you have any back or feet problems (later in life), good shoes and regular massages help a lot.
10. Try to live each day presently. Not too much on tomorrow and not stuck in the past. Right now there is a song called "live Like We're Dying". I think you get the point. Its amazing how much a day is a gift if you don't take it for granted.
There are many more, but these are the ones I thought of today.
I love you Kinsey,
Your Momma,
Heather Jo
Today I have some practical advice for you. A collection of things I live by that aren't spiritual or have any eternal meaning. But nonetheless they have some value, however little.
1. Never wear Navy and Black together- its just bad.
2. If you do choose to wear brown and black together...choose the colors wisely.
3. Black eyeliner entirely around the eye is not a good look, unless you are trashy.
4. Remember to condition the ends of your hair first, as they need more conditioner than the roots.
5. Gum- always have some...
6. Floss. Its boring and uncomfortable and easy to forget- but just do it. Your dental health will be better and your smile will look and feel better.
7. Put cash away when you can. And forget about it. Its amazing how it can add up for when you need it, or for fun.
8. Invest in a good bra- trust me its worth it.
9. Treat your feet good. If you have any back or feet problems (later in life), good shoes and regular massages help a lot.
10. Try to live each day presently. Not too much on tomorrow and not stuck in the past. Right now there is a song called "live Like We're Dying". I think you get the point. Its amazing how much a day is a gift if you don't take it for granted.
There are many more, but these are the ones I thought of today.
I love you Kinsey,
Your Momma,
Heather Jo
April 21, 2010
Like a Weed...
My sweet, happy Kinsey,
Its so easy to be negative. Often our "expressing our opinions" is just a way for us to complain about everything around us. Politics, authority, fashion, prices, and list is never ending.I have struggled with negativity and bitterness most of my life. I had forgotten over the last few years how ugly speaking negatively really is... until I heard some students speaking about someone. They were "discussing" someone and it was nothing but complaining and being negative. They were obviously bitter and it was ugly.
We aren't supposed to be like that. We are suppose to love and forgive. We are suppose to let God deal with revenge. and even that doesn't matter because as a wise Biblical scholar revealed to me one day, if they are Christ's than everything they did, do, or will do is covered with His blood and is already forgiven, so we might as well forgive them too.
Negativity is like a weed, it grows fast and spreads quickly. I'm afraid that I am guilty of being a catalyst, and the start of that weed. I don't want to be anymore. I want to be like Roundup- and kill the weed before it spreads. Kinsey I want you to be Roundup+, kill the weed and spread love and forgiveness. Let's stop judging each other, let's show grace, and let's stop letting negativity rule our minds and our tongues.
Love and Forgiveness to you always Kinsey Jewel,
Love your momma,
Heather Jo
April 16, 2010
Dirty Whore
This morning I was watching myself in the mirror as I put on my makeup and I thought "what a whore I am". Let me explain.
Before I knew the Lord, before I experienced the guilt of my sin, before I had a thought in my head, He loved me and gave Himself for me. How many times do I whore myself out to other "loves"? Too many times, and yet He loves me, and blesses me. I can look back at my life and see that while I was wallowing in my sin He was planning a wonderful blessing for me. What!?! How can that be? Why?!?
I just think that while I was pregnant with you Kinsey, I was so focused on myself, on the way my life was going to change, on the pain I had to endure, I totally lost sight of the fact that God is so good- even when I'm not. In fact it seems as if His goodness is best when I'm at my worst. What an incredible love. I cannot comprehend it.
And so I am a whore. We are all whores if we think about it. But that doesn't mean that I have to submit to always being one. His love compells me to love only Him, to keep myself pure in an impure place. Kinsey, please know that although this world is enticing, exciting, and full of promises, it is empty. It will leave you used and empty. Don't let it turn you into a full-time whore my love, Protect yourself, envelop yourself in His arms, practice spiritual-monogamy, learn from my waste.
Love always,
Your momma, Heather Jo
Before I knew the Lord, before I experienced the guilt of my sin, before I had a thought in my head, He loved me and gave Himself for me. How many times do I whore myself out to other "loves"? Too many times, and yet He loves me, and blesses me. I can look back at my life and see that while I was wallowing in my sin He was planning a wonderful blessing for me. What!?! How can that be? Why?!?
I just think that while I was pregnant with you Kinsey, I was so focused on myself, on the way my life was going to change, on the pain I had to endure, I totally lost sight of the fact that God is so good- even when I'm not. In fact it seems as if His goodness is best when I'm at my worst. What an incredible love. I cannot comprehend it.
And so I am a whore. We are all whores if we think about it. But that doesn't mean that I have to submit to always being one. His love compells me to love only Him, to keep myself pure in an impure place. Kinsey, please know that although this world is enticing, exciting, and full of promises, it is empty. It will leave you used and empty. Don't let it turn you into a full-time whore my love, Protect yourself, envelop yourself in His arms, practice spiritual-monogamy, learn from my waste.
Love always,
Your momma, Heather Jo
April 15, 2010
Best Surprise of My Life (at least yet)
My little surprise;
Here I am at 33 weeks pregnant with you. Just 28 weeks before this, I had found out about you and was a mixture of devastated and completely frightened. I'm not ashamed to tell you this. I want you to know me for who I am as Heather not just what I might I present to you as your momma. Throughout my pregnancy with you I fought many feelings of horror, fear, and disappointment. I didn't want my life to change. I wasn't ready. I just knew I would screw you up. You were better off not being my child or even being alive.
But I am so glad that God surprised me with you, Kinsey Jewel. You are a joy everyday (along with a practice in patience). You are so good for me. I hope I can be even just a little good for you.
Your momma,
Heather Jo
April 09, 2010
Helping God
My independent Kinsey Jewel,
The past week you've developed a new habit where you really try to hold onto the bottle, while holding up your own head in an attempt to "help" me. I try to tell you relax, I have you. I will feed you, take care of your drool, take care of your spit up, and leaking. I will make sure you have enough. I will be here to love you as best as I can. I will support you and be your biggest cheerleader. Yet you still try to "help me", thereby getting in your own way. Auntie Heidi made a great analogy today- its like the way we as God's children try to "help" Him. She is totally right. I try to "help" God all the time, probably getting in my own way. He's holding me saying "Heather I have you. I will make sure you are satisfied and taken care of, and full of my joy." And I cannot understand. I wonder, does he smile at me like I smile at you, Kinsey? Relax. God is taking care of you. He promises. And His promises are 100%.
Your Momma,
Heather Jo
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