Love Baby, Don't Love Baby

I was thinking last night about how what we like as little kids carry over into what we like as adults. Its just the way God designed us. For instance, as a child I loved my tea set and hosting tea parties. I love hosting now, and if I had more time and if Julian liked having people over I would do it way more often. I also had no liking for dolls or anything "maternal", which explains why I was reluctant to have children. It doesn't seem natural to me, but I still am glad you are here Kinsey Jewel. 
You, my lovely, also aren't too into dolls, but you love to be outside, and I can't help but wonder if you will always have a special draw to nature and love for God's creation, like your daddy.
Or how much you love music, will you always love it?
I sometimes wish you were still my little infant, helpless and dependent on me. But I am excited to see who God made you. Such an adventure with surprising twists!
Love you muchly, 
Your Momma, 
Heather Jo

Hitting Isn't Nice Kinsey

even when its tempting. 
Let me be truthful with you. I have a saying "Physical Violence is the Answer". . .now I came up with that as a sarcastic reaction to how I feel when I am frustrated, or angry or hurt. It feels as if I cannot communicate how I feel with words- I want to hit.
I see that maybe you might feel the same way. You hit me when you don't get your way- and it hurts.
Right now, you don't know words, so that makes sense. I sure hope that you can learn from Dad's correct responses (in thinking before acting), and from my mistakes of throwing and hitting inanimate things.
I remember watching my dad respond the same way I do- it was scary.
I don't know how to teach you about reigning your emotions in so they don't control you- I'm still working on it, and its a slow process.
I'm praying for you Kinsey.

Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Gastroenteritis...

is inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract, involving the stomach, intestines, or both; usually resulting in diarrhea, abdominal cramps, nausea and possibly vomiting.

Well that's just what happened. Sunday, January 16th at approximately 9pm it started. Both Dad and I were awfully sick, and then you woke up sweetie, covered in vomit. It was not a pretty sight, or smell. And I felt so sorry for you. I had really hoped that you weren't going to be sick.  But alas, you did. You were a trooper, that's for sure. I was so proud, you got over it pretty quickly and went right back to sleep. You were even in a good mood when you got up the next morning. Good job~I wish Dad and I had been. Here it is Wednesday already, and I'm still not feeling right. It may take a few more days, to feel up to speed. When things like this happen it makes me slow down for at least a moment and relish my relative health. The fact that I've never had to deal with anything too bad, and that we live in a place with medicine and clean living conditions. I am so grateful for everything that God has blessed me with- you, dad, our home, our jobs, our family and friends, and most of all His Son and His love. We love you Kinsey. Hang in there!

Love your momma, 

Heather Jo

First Birthday Extravaganza

My lovely Kinsey Jewel;

      In 2 days we will be celebrating your first birthday. I cannot believe that it has been a whole year already. And yet, I'm tired enough to believe it. 
    I have a fun party planned for you, although its unlikely you'll understand what to do. But that's ok, this party is for mommy and daddy. And your grandparents, and friends. Next year maybe you'll have more to say about it. :) We love you so much Kinsey. I wish we could shower you with gifts and the finest things but we can't. 
     All we have for now is our love and our time. Hopefully when you get older and can understand and appreciate what a rare gift these both are in our world you will carry the memory in your heart forever. 
     Your first birthday party is taking place on an important Oregon event. The Civil War game between the OSU Beavers and the U of O Ducks is happening at the same time. The Ducks has been unbeatable this year- so it proves to be a momentous occasion. Always to be remembered, for us because of you, for Oregon because of the Civil War.
    To me it doesn't mean anything more than a fly on the wall compared to the celebrating in my heart that you made it through an entire year with me as your mother! It is a great achievement and I'm both excited and terrified of the next year. 

Happy Birthday my only first daughter!
Your momma, 
Heather Jo

Dreams- the bad ones

Ever since you came along Kinsey, I've struggled with weird and sometimes downright scary dreams. I guess its those crazy hormones.
I had a doozy of one the other night.
There I was, pregnant with a little brother for you Kinsey, and I died. After I gave birth to him that is. It was awful. I've never experienced so much sorrow in my heart. I had to leave you behind, and this incredible little boy I didn't know. And I left Daddy behind, alone, and it broke my heart.
In the dream I had no choice. I couldn't "come" back. I wept in the arms of my father, my heavenly Father, as I watched you and Daddy and the little one...
Hopefully this won't happen- ever. But I wanted to document it, because I love you and Daddy- and any future children- so much. I want you to know that, because sometimes I get upset, or annoyed. Anytime that might happen, just remember I love you.

Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose.

Dearest Kinsey, 

I am deeply convicted. My tongue is out of control. So much of what I say is pure poison. And I wonder why I feel my life and relationships becoming fragile, or distant. I cannot teach you to be this way. My heart aches because although I know I can be better, that God can and will help me. I am downtrodden still the same with the fact that this will rub off on you. Even if I curb so much of it, I will still fail. Fail you. I will fail you.
Oh Lord, please shield my precious little girl from my shortcomings.

Suicide of the Bumbo

Its true. The Bumbo committed suicide on Hwy 22. It just jumped right out of the back of the truck. I didn't even know until a few minutes later...when I went back for it, well let's just say, it was done.  It served well. Goodbye Bumbo.