Say you're sorry!

Oh boy. It was a very interesting Friday night. I was sitting on the floor trying to eat my dinner, which you desperately wanted a bite of, but I'm trying to not treat you like a dog and give you scraps from my plate. So you turned around and proceeded to SIT, right on my dinner! 
Then you're pants had mustard and lettuce hanging off them, and my dinner (a turkey burger) was smashed. Daddy was NOT happy with you. He wanted you to say you were sorry, which normally you would say right off if you heard annoyance in my voice. And had he not asked you to do it, I think you might have. But after he asked you- you just wouldn't say it. So you were sent to your room. And you bawled for a long time. 
Finally I had to ask you if you were sorry and you said it.
I'm suspicious that you didn't actually mean it.

But we still love you, Kinsey.
Always will, 
Your Momma, 
Heather Jo

Silence No More

Dearest Kinsey Jewel, 
Today you are 2 years, 1 month and 18 days old.

You are starting to say some phrases and they are SO funny. 
First you started with "no". Which mutated into "Umm, no". (Which apparently I say a lot so I assume that you are imitating me)
Then you knew "kitty". and "this is a oof!" (that's a dog, fyi.)
Then you said "this is is a Wow!" and "this is is a Wee!", Wow being used for cool things, whereas Wee is used for the slide, a swing or any moving activity.
Then you added "I sahwee", after an incident we had where I got angry at you and grabbed your hand too hard, you started bawling, and I said repeatedly "I'm sorry". 
You started the "I sahwee" the next day. 
Now, with coaching from Daddy, you learned "Bwo", which is short for Qubo, the cartoon channel. So when we are watching football, or something else, and you feel like watching cartoons you started saying in a loud voice "Bwo!" "Bwo!" and pointing to the TV. If that doesn't produce the results you want, you steal the remote and try to change it yourself. :)
 You of course have some food words also. 
Juice, Cheese, "Nanana" (banana), Peas(actually grapes), "bwead", "ickle" (pickle), "foo" (food), "cwacker" (cracker).
Some other words you know:
"floer" = flower, somehow you leave out the "w"
"sey"= horsey
"cah"= car
Almost all of the alphabet, and the numbers 1-9.


Noises:
Kitty
Dog 
Cow
Horse
Owl
Monkey
Lion


You haven't really began to speak full sentences. But most of the time I know EXACTLY what you are saying. 
I love you, my jewel.
Your Momma, 
Heather Jo

Handful+

Dearest Kinsey Jewel,

You are so beautiful, and charming, and joyful, and sweet, and independent.

Some days I miss you so much at work that I feel sick to my stomach.

Some days not.

I just love you so much.

Its hard to do what's right, and not what's easiest.

I don't "like" disciplining you.

I don't "like" giving you time outs, or warnings, or swats.

I don't "like" being stern, or making you cry about eating your fruit first at dinner.

I really want to do whatever makes you happy and giggle and give me hugs.

But for your benefit in the future, to mold you into a wonderful, loving, healthy, godly woman I have to teach you these things.

Its hard. Really, really hard.

And its something I don't like.

Just so you know Kinsey, I do it for your good. Truly, completely for your good. Not to satisfy my thirst for power, or to make you miserable.

Just as God chastises His children because He loves them, so I follow His example.

Love your momma,

Heather Jo

This parenting thing is really challenging me...

I'm sure you've read it here before, but I can't seem to grasp how hard parenting really can be. Not even "can" be, but really just IS. Brace yourself Kinsey for some truth- I no longer have my life to myself, to do with "basically" as I please, have expendable income to do fun things, to only not sleep through the night because I drank too much caffeine, not worry about how to discipline, what foods to feed someone else, what example I'm setting, what bad habits I'm teaching you, and no germs to have slimed all over my face at any given time or place. 


Now having said all that. . . I love you. I wouldn't trade all those "rights" and "privileges" I had before for the privilege I have of being your momma. Sometimes I get worn down, my resolve dissolves, my spirit falters, my hope fades and all seems hopeless. Like this is just a cruel joke. And I'm not getting the short end of the stick- you are. Which makes it seem even worse. 


Lord help me. I believe that you chose to give me Kinsey as a beautiful daughter, I don't understand why, but I believe you did for a reason. 
Help me to be the best for her. The best of what she needs. The best of who you made me to be. Help me overcome my unbelief and embrace my calling as her momma. 


Kinsey I love you muchly. 
Your momma, 
Heather Jo

Clingy Girl

Well, you caught a stomach flu and a cold this week. I felt so bad for you. I wish I could see inside your head to see what you were thinking. But now, now you want me to hold you all the time. And you cry and whimper. I want to comfort you but it makes me worry that something worse if wrong with you. I cry with you and pray that the Lord will give me discernment to know if you are just needy or really in pain.  Now, if I can stay healthy that would be literally a miracle!

Growth Spurt on the Horizon? Or Hanta Virus?

so...you've been sleeping... a LOT, the last few days. And eating a fair amount. Enough to make daddy ask " Does she usually eat this much in one sitting?"
I don't know if its because of my internet "research" on hantavirus while we were getting rid of our friendly neighborhood rats, or just plain mommy anxiety. But I can't help but think that you are sick. I hope its just a growth spurt- about time really!
I pray for your protection and immune system every night as I lay awake, unable to sleep because I'm afraid. Afraid of losing you. Afraid of the guilt that would follow me around if you did indeed get sick. Afraid that my marriage would end because I would blame daddy for not taking care of the rodents soon enough. Afraid that you would suffer for my lack of well, everything good.
I might actually feel better if instead of beating up on myself figuratively, I just did it literally.
Hide the baseball bats.

Your momma,
Heather Jo

AHH...too fast, too fast I say! Slow Down!!

Kinsey,

I need you to slow down. Mommy can't keep up and I can't remember anything that's happening. How old were you when you got your 4th tooth? I don't know, its becoming a blur, and I don't like it!

         This picture was over 2 months ago- before you could walk. Now you are almost running. Soon you'll be talking and potty-training, and I just can't slow it down. You are so sweet right now, and I have to admit my love, I'm scared. I'm scared to lose that sweet Kinsey, and get a brat replacement. Lord, I don't think I can handle it. I'm too weak.
     I love you Kinsey, but I am selfish and weak. I'm just feeling so sad that I've been excited about you growing up and now you are just going too fast. I pray Lord, please help me to enjoy what I can now. Help me to remember moments. Help me to love her when she is throwing a tantrum and to be gentle and kind but firm. I am such a failure without your help Lord. I have no hope without you God, no hope.

Kinsey Jewel,may you know that I tried, and hopefully to rhe best of my ability. I love you baby.
Your momma,
Heather Jo