Handful+

Dearest Kinsey Jewel,

You are so beautiful, and charming, and joyful, and sweet, and independent.

Some days I miss you so much at work that I feel sick to my stomach.

Some days not.

I just love you so much.

Its hard to do what's right, and not what's easiest.

I don't "like" disciplining you.

I don't "like" giving you time outs, or warnings, or swats.

I don't "like" being stern, or making you cry about eating your fruit first at dinner.

I really want to do whatever makes you happy and giggle and give me hugs.

But for your benefit in the future, to mold you into a wonderful, loving, healthy, godly woman I have to teach you these things.

Its hard. Really, really hard.

And its something I don't like.

Just so you know Kinsey, I do it for your good. Truly, completely for your good. Not to satisfy my thirst for power, or to make you miserable.

Just as God chastises His children because He loves them, so I follow His example.

Love your momma,

Heather Jo

This parenting thing is really challenging me...

I'm sure you've read it here before, but I can't seem to grasp how hard parenting really can be. Not even "can" be, but really just IS. Brace yourself Kinsey for some truth- I no longer have my life to myself, to do with "basically" as I please, have expendable income to do fun things, to only not sleep through the night because I drank too much caffeine, not worry about how to discipline, what foods to feed someone else, what example I'm setting, what bad habits I'm teaching you, and no germs to have slimed all over my face at any given time or place. 


Now having said all that. . . I love you. I wouldn't trade all those "rights" and "privileges" I had before for the privilege I have of being your momma. Sometimes I get worn down, my resolve dissolves, my spirit falters, my hope fades and all seems hopeless. Like this is just a cruel joke. And I'm not getting the short end of the stick- you are. Which makes it seem even worse. 


Lord help me. I believe that you chose to give me Kinsey as a beautiful daughter, I don't understand why, but I believe you did for a reason. 
Help me to be the best for her. The best of what she needs. The best of who you made me to be. Help me overcome my unbelief and embrace my calling as her momma. 


Kinsey I love you muchly. 
Your momma, 
Heather Jo

Clingy Girl

Well, you caught a stomach flu and a cold this week. I felt so bad for you. I wish I could see inside your head to see what you were thinking. But now, now you want me to hold you all the time. And you cry and whimper. I want to comfort you but it makes me worry that something worse if wrong with you. I cry with you and pray that the Lord will give me discernment to know if you are just needy or really in pain.  Now, if I can stay healthy that would be literally a miracle!

Growth Spurt on the Horizon? Or Hanta Virus?

so...you've been sleeping... a LOT, the last few days. And eating a fair amount. Enough to make daddy ask " Does she usually eat this much in one sitting?"
I don't know if its because of my internet "research" on hantavirus while we were getting rid of our friendly neighborhood rats, or just plain mommy anxiety. But I can't help but think that you are sick. I hope its just a growth spurt- about time really!
I pray for your protection and immune system every night as I lay awake, unable to sleep because I'm afraid. Afraid of losing you. Afraid of the guilt that would follow me around if you did indeed get sick. Afraid that my marriage would end because I would blame daddy for not taking care of the rodents soon enough. Afraid that you would suffer for my lack of well, everything good.
I might actually feel better if instead of beating up on myself figuratively, I just did it literally.
Hide the baseball bats.

Your momma,
Heather Jo

AHH...too fast, too fast I say! Slow Down!!

Kinsey,

I need you to slow down. Mommy can't keep up and I can't remember anything that's happening. How old were you when you got your 4th tooth? I don't know, its becoming a blur, and I don't like it!

         This picture was over 2 months ago- before you could walk. Now you are almost running. Soon you'll be talking and potty-training, and I just can't slow it down. You are so sweet right now, and I have to admit my love, I'm scared. I'm scared to lose that sweet Kinsey, and get a brat replacement. Lord, I don't think I can handle it. I'm too weak.
     I love you Kinsey, but I am selfish and weak. I'm just feeling so sad that I've been excited about you growing up and now you are just going too fast. I pray Lord, please help me to enjoy what I can now. Help me to remember moments. Help me to love her when she is throwing a tantrum and to be gentle and kind but firm. I am such a failure without your help Lord. I have no hope without you God, no hope.

Kinsey Jewel,may you know that I tried, and hopefully to rhe best of my ability. I love you baby.
Your momma,
Heather Jo

Love Baby, Don't Love Baby

I was thinking last night about how what we like as little kids carry over into what we like as adults. Its just the way God designed us. For instance, as a child I loved my tea set and hosting tea parties. I love hosting now, and if I had more time and if Julian liked having people over I would do it way more often. I also had no liking for dolls or anything "maternal", which explains why I was reluctant to have children. It doesn't seem natural to me, but I still am glad you are here Kinsey Jewel. 
You, my lovely, also aren't too into dolls, but you love to be outside, and I can't help but wonder if you will always have a special draw to nature and love for God's creation, like your daddy.
Or how much you love music, will you always love it?
I sometimes wish you were still my little infant, helpless and dependent on me. But I am excited to see who God made you. Such an adventure with surprising twists!
Love you muchly, 
Your Momma, 
Heather Jo

Hitting Isn't Nice Kinsey

even when its tempting. 
Let me be truthful with you. I have a saying "Physical Violence is the Answer". . .now I came up with that as a sarcastic reaction to how I feel when I am frustrated, or angry or hurt. It feels as if I cannot communicate how I feel with words- I want to hit.
I see that maybe you might feel the same way. You hit me when you don't get your way- and it hurts.
Right now, you don't know words, so that makes sense. I sure hope that you can learn from Dad's correct responses (in thinking before acting), and from my mistakes of throwing and hitting inanimate things.
I remember watching my dad respond the same way I do- it was scary.
I don't know how to teach you about reigning your emotions in so they don't control you- I'm still working on it, and its a slow process.
I'm praying for you Kinsey.

Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Gastroenteritis...

is inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract, involving the stomach, intestines, or both; usually resulting in diarrhea, abdominal cramps, nausea and possibly vomiting.

Well that's just what happened. Sunday, January 16th at approximately 9pm it started. Both Dad and I were awfully sick, and then you woke up sweetie, covered in vomit. It was not a pretty sight, or smell. And I felt so sorry for you. I had really hoped that you weren't going to be sick.  But alas, you did. You were a trooper, that's for sure. I was so proud, you got over it pretty quickly and went right back to sleep. You were even in a good mood when you got up the next morning. Good job~I wish Dad and I had been. Here it is Wednesday already, and I'm still not feeling right. It may take a few more days, to feel up to speed. When things like this happen it makes me slow down for at least a moment and relish my relative health. The fact that I've never had to deal with anything too bad, and that we live in a place with medicine and clean living conditions. I am so grateful for everything that God has blessed me with- you, dad, our home, our jobs, our family and friends, and most of all His Son and His love. We love you Kinsey. Hang in there!

Love your momma, 

Heather Jo