First Birthday Extravaganza

My lovely Kinsey Jewel;

      In 2 days we will be celebrating your first birthday. I cannot believe that it has been a whole year already. And yet, I'm tired enough to believe it. 
    I have a fun party planned for you, although its unlikely you'll understand what to do. But that's ok, this party is for mommy and daddy. And your grandparents, and friends. Next year maybe you'll have more to say about it. :) We love you so much Kinsey. I wish we could shower you with gifts and the finest things but we can't. 
     All we have for now is our love and our time. Hopefully when you get older and can understand and appreciate what a rare gift these both are in our world you will carry the memory in your heart forever. 
     Your first birthday party is taking place on an important Oregon event. The Civil War game between the OSU Beavers and the U of O Ducks is happening at the same time. The Ducks has been unbeatable this year- so it proves to be a momentous occasion. Always to be remembered, for us because of you, for Oregon because of the Civil War.
    To me it doesn't mean anything more than a fly on the wall compared to the celebrating in my heart that you made it through an entire year with me as your mother! It is a great achievement and I'm both excited and terrified of the next year. 

Happy Birthday my only first daughter!
Your momma, 
Heather Jo

Dreams- the bad ones

Ever since you came along Kinsey, I've struggled with weird and sometimes downright scary dreams. I guess its those crazy hormones.
I had a doozy of one the other night.
There I was, pregnant with a little brother for you Kinsey, and I died. After I gave birth to him that is. It was awful. I've never experienced so much sorrow in my heart. I had to leave you behind, and this incredible little boy I didn't know. And I left Daddy behind, alone, and it broke my heart.
In the dream I had no choice. I couldn't "come" back. I wept in the arms of my father, my heavenly Father, as I watched you and Daddy and the little one...
Hopefully this won't happen- ever. But I wanted to document it, because I love you and Daddy- and any future children- so much. I want you to know that, because sometimes I get upset, or annoyed. Anytime that might happen, just remember I love you.

Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose.

Dearest Kinsey, 

I am deeply convicted. My tongue is out of control. So much of what I say is pure poison. And I wonder why I feel my life and relationships becoming fragile, or distant. I cannot teach you to be this way. My heart aches because although I know I can be better, that God can and will help me. I am downtrodden still the same with the fact that this will rub off on you. Even if I curb so much of it, I will still fail. Fail you. I will fail you.
Oh Lord, please shield my precious little girl from my shortcomings.

Suicide of the Bumbo

Its true. The Bumbo committed suicide on Hwy 22. It just jumped right out of the back of the truck. I didn't even know until a few minutes later...when I went back for it, well let's just say, it was done.  It served well. Goodbye Bumbo.

The misadventures of Kinsey Jewel

Ok. We've tried swimming, as you can see above. I'm not sure its your favorite activity. You much prefer kicking the floor. Or eating. Or flapping your arms up and down. But I just love this picture of you Miss Kinsey. You look just, I don't know, like the calm after the storm. "Whew! I'm in momma's arms, not in that water anymore." Too bad, I have way too many cute swimming suits for you to wear- you are just gonna have to get over it, and do this for momma. I promise to be there with you. I won't let anything happen to you- I promise darling.
This just makes me think about all the things I avoid because I'm afraid I will fail. Don't look at life that way Kinsey. Its way too short to always be holding yourself back. Experience life. Learn life. Failure doesn't matter. It really doesn't. If  it did, then God wouldn't love us the way He does. I don't care if you fail at something. At anything. You are still my daughter and I love you. I love love you. More than I can express. And He loves you even more, and better, and more completely, and totally unselfishly. Awesome, isn't it? In every meaning of the word, awesome. So go on, try new things, experience new life, open your heart to others, tell others the truth. It doesn't matter if you fail. I'll be here to catch you, comfort you, encourage you. And if I fail at that (which I'm sure I will at some point), God won't. He's the only one that won't fail EVER. His salvation doesn't fail you, He won't fail you, His word won't fail you.
Happy misadventures baby!
Love,
Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Kinsey: My Heart

To my heart, Kinsey Jewel;
Daddy and I have invested in a new home for our family.It is a crazy time, I am exhausted but excited, and nervous at the same time. Last week, you were being watched by Kat, and then by Sue and I didn't see you awake at all that day. I think that might have been the saddest day in my life so far. I came home, exhausted, covered in paint, with a monstrous headache, and there you were sleeping so soundly and sweetly, and my heart burst. I just started crying. I couldn't believe how much it hurt to not see you for a whole day. How much I've come to depend on you to lift my spirits, and make me feel needed and loved. I wasn't in despair or crisis, I just realized that what I'd been told was true- your child is like living with your heart outside your body- real, alive, vulnerable, everything that encompasses you out there for someone to hurt, or take advantage of, or disregard as unimportant. It hurt. Physically but most intensely emotionally. I love you my little heart. I know this is only the beginning of the pain I will feel throughout this adventure of motherhood, but I like it (I think).
Your momma,
Heather Jo

Tele-marketer

Dearest Kinsey Jewel,
You have this funny habit of being completely quiet and content when I'm not on the phone, and the minute someone calls me or I have to call someone at work you get loud and unsettled. It happens, seriously, EVERY time. Its so funny. You just did it again. I think I've apologized more times on the phone in your short lifetime than I have in all of my life combined. Keep it up sweets. It keeps momma on her toes.
Love your momma,
Heather Jo

Snot-Nosed Punk

Yesterday it hit me-like a MAJOR sneezing fit. Accompanied by a headache, foggy thinking, runny nose, and congestion, then followed up with a raw throat. Ah, I have a cold-and allergies. Seriously? Oh my. Its days like this that remind me to be thankful for those days where the only thing I can complain about is some rude driver on the road, or some weird phone call. This just, well, sucks. I'm sitting at my desk just a few minutes ago on a phone call, and I feel like my nose is going to run, and then yes, a drop of snot hits my desk. Ok, I guess it wasn't just "feeling" like it was going to run, it ran all the way down my face to the desk- and fast, I couldn't have caught it if I wanted. These are the days Kinsey when I look to YOU for comfort. But then you start sneezing and coughing, and I narrow my eyes and say "Did you give me this cold, you rascal?" and you look up and grin.
Interesting.

Settling in to Motherhood

My little Princess,
Kinsey Jewel,
I'm so excited for the stage that you are starting. You just started eating rice cereal and oatmeal cereal- and loving it. Although I'm not sure what you love more, eating or making a mess. You are all smiles for just about everyone and that is so much fun. You also have a mischievous side, already. I can't believe that in a week and a half you'll be 6 months old. Has it really been that long ago? Is it just the lack of sleep that makes time go by in such a strange, new way? I love you so much. I can't even describe it. You are sure being used by God to teach me a lot of things, the hardest right now for me....patience.

Love your Momma,
Heather Jo

Exhaustion

Oh Kinsey Jewel,
I really thought by this time I would be feeling energized and "like my old self" again. I'm beginning to realize that I will never be my old self again. Its impossible. My body has changed, my priorities have changed, my available time has changed. I look at pictures from 3 years ago, and think, "I want that Heather back". But then I wouldn't have you and that is not acceptable. Maybe there are some things I'll just have to accept about myself. I'll never be a size 6, I'll never feel energetic or rested again, I'll never have cash flow, or income that isn't spoken for, I'll never be free to workout twice a day...but I would never change it if it meant no Kinsey. I love you, and in the past 3 months, you've grown to bring me such joy and happiness. I know it will only get more complicated from here... but I am trying to enjoy each moment. Someday I'll feel rested (At least from time to time), and I won't care about that Heather in 2007. But for now I am transitioning, however poorly.
Even exhaustion doesn't change my love for you,
Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Practical Advice

My little girl,
Today I have some practical advice for you. A collection of things I live by that aren't spiritual or have any eternal meaning. But nonetheless they have some value, however little.

1. Never wear Navy and Black together- its just bad.
2. If you do choose to wear brown and black together...choose the colors wisely.
3. Black eyeliner entirely around the eye is not a good look, unless you are trashy.
4. Remember to condition the ends of your hair first, as they need more conditioner than the roots.
5. Gum- always have some...
6. Floss. Its boring and uncomfortable and easy to forget- but just do it. Your dental health will be better and your smile will look and feel better.
7. Put cash away when you can. And forget about it. Its amazing how it can add up for when you need it, or for fun.
8. Invest in a good bra- trust me its worth it.
9. Treat your feet good. If you have any back or feet problems (later in life), good shoes and regular massages help a lot.
10. Try to live each day presently. Not too much on tomorrow and not stuck in the past. Right now there is a song called "live Like We're Dying". I think you get the point. Its amazing how much a day is a gift if you don't take it for granted.
There are many more, but these are the ones I thought of today.

I love you Kinsey,
Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Like a Weed...

My sweet, happy Kinsey,
Its so easy to be negative. Often our "expressing our opinions" is just a way for us to complain about everything around us. Politics, authority, fashion, prices, and list is never ending.I have struggled with negativity and bitterness most of my life. I had forgotten over the last few years how ugly speaking negatively really is... until I heard some students speaking about someone. They were "discussing" someone and it was nothing but complaining and being negative. They were obviously bitter and it was ugly.

We aren't supposed to be like that. We are suppose to love and forgive. We are suppose to let God deal with revenge. and even that doesn't matter because as a wise Biblical scholar revealed to me one day, if they are Christ's than everything they did, do, or will do is covered with His blood and is already forgiven, so we might as well forgive them too.
Negativity is like a weed, it grows fast and spreads quickly. I'm afraid that I am guilty of being a catalyst, and the start of that weed. I don't want to be anymore. I want to be like Roundup- and kill the weed before it spreads. Kinsey I want you to be Roundup+, kill the weed and spread love and forgiveness. Let's stop judging each other, let's show grace, and let's stop letting negativity rule our minds and our tongues.
Love and Forgiveness to you always Kinsey Jewel,
Love your momma,
Heather Jo

Dirty Whore

This morning I was watching myself in the mirror as I put on my makeup and I thought "what a whore I am". Let me explain.
Before I knew the Lord, before I experienced the guilt of my sin, before I had a thought in my head, He loved me and gave Himself for me. How many times do I whore myself out to other "loves"? Too many times, and yet He loves me, and blesses me. I can look back at my life and see that while I was wallowing in my sin He was planning a wonderful blessing for me. What!?! How can that be? Why?!?
I just think that while I was pregnant with you Kinsey, I was so focused on myself, on the way my life was going to change, on the pain I had to endure, I totally lost sight of the fact that God is so good- even when I'm not. In fact it seems as if His goodness is best when I'm at my worst. What an incredible love. I cannot comprehend it.
And so I am a whore. We are all whores if we think about it. But that doesn't mean that I have to submit to always being one. His love compells me to love only Him, to keep myself pure in an impure place. Kinsey, please know that although this world is enticing, exciting, and full of promises, it is empty. It will leave you used and empty. Don't let it turn you into a full-time whore my love, Protect yourself, envelop yourself in His arms, practice spiritual-monogamy, learn from my waste.
Love always,
Your momma, Heather Jo

Best Surprise of My Life (at least yet)

My little surprise;
Here I am at 33 weeks pregnant with you. Just 28 weeks before this, I had found out about you and was a mixture of devastated and completely frightened. I'm not ashamed to tell you this. I want you to know me for who I am as Heather not just what I might I present to you as your momma. Throughout my pregnancy with you I fought many feelings of horror, fear, and disappointment. I didn't want my life to change. I wasn't ready. I just knew I would screw you up. You were better off not being my child or even being alive.
But I am so glad that God surprised me with you, Kinsey Jewel. You are a joy everyday (along with a practice in patience). You are so good for me. I hope I can be even just a little good for you.
Your momma,
Heather Jo

Helping God

My independent Kinsey Jewel,
The past week you've developed a new habit where you really try to hold onto the bottle, while holding up your own head in an attempt to "help" me. I try to tell you relax, I have you. I will feed you, take care of your drool, take care of your spit up, and leaking. I will make sure you have enough. I will be here to love you as best as I can. I will support you and be your biggest cheerleader. Yet you still try to "help me", thereby getting in your own way. Auntie Heidi made a great analogy today- its like the way we as God's children try to "help" Him. She is totally right. I try to "help" God all the time, probably getting in my own way. He's holding me saying "Heather I have you. I will make sure you are satisfied and taken care of, and full of my joy." And I cannot understand. I wonder, does he smile at me like I smile at you, Kinsey? Relax. God is taking care of you. He promises. And His promises are 100%.
Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Wonder

My love, my daughter, Kinsey Jewel;
This morning as we drove to work you were staring in wonder at all the trees and such as we passed by. I remember the days of my youth when everything around me was wondrous. Every new tree and flower were amazing and beautiful. My sweet one, as you get older you'll keep looking for the thing that will never lose its wonder. I am sad to tell you that everything and everyone loses that newness, the infatuation that comes with the beginning, the wonder. That is, except God. He is always revealing new characteristics, in new ways, in each person's life. He is completely full of wonder, and awe-inspiring, as is His creation around us. You are an awesome wonder-filled work of His hands. His wonder never fades. We can never fully understand Him, we can never fully grasp who He is, what He's done for us. Kinsey, our Heavenly Father loves you SO much. You were created by His hand, in His timing for what I'm sure is a godly, incredible purpose. I pray that you will be blessed to see at a young age the rotting, temporary value of everything else in comparison to Him. And spend this fleeting life gaining eternal treasures that you can lay at His feet, as you stare at Him in wonder.
With all my heart,
Your momma,
Heather Jo

Materialism

My Beautiful Kinsey Jewel,
I have to admit to you my little girl that I am completely materialistic. I desire to be content with what I have and what God provides for me. But I find myself constantly craving more. More of anything. Food. Clothing. Jewelry. Cosmetics. I'm always changing what I like and it becomes difficult and nearly impossible to satisfy myself. I have been convicted to put some serious work into this flaw. I want to overcome. I know God can do it in me. I do not want you to struggle with this. I am praying for you little one. By His grace I will be able to be a godly example of contentedness for you Kinsey. By His grace. And if by some reason I am still struggling with this, He will touch your heart and mind to understand that I am human, imperfect and still learning. And that you have the will and strength to overcome with His help what I could not. I believe that. I believe that you are special. You were created by His hand. In His timing. For His purpose. I pray for you every night before I fall asleep, that you will have a transparent, genuine relationship with Him. A relationship that is vital to the fullest life possible. This very moment you are napping, and snoring a little, and I find my heart to be full. Full of love for you, full of anticipation to discover who God created you to be, full of anxiety that I will permanently damage your delicate soul. Its so much. I'm not sure I can take in anymore. I love you Kinsey Jewel. His Royal Victory and Precious Stone.

Your Momma,
Heather Jo

Fearing Change.

Why do I fear change? The picture in this post is of me about 8 years ago. Since then I've lost 60 pounds, changed my hair color, married my first kiss and had my first child. Not to mention that I went through a dramatic awakening and deepening of my walk with the Lord. And yet, I fear change. All of those changes were for the better. I'm a better, more whole, beautiful person because of them and still I dig in my heels. I don't want any change because I fear it to be bad change not good. But for every bad thing there is a bigger blessing around the corner. Whether that is because its easier to appreciate the good things when you just experienced strife and pain.

Before I ever had Kinsey, mothers would tell me all the pain, discomfort, food cravings, frequent bathrooms breaks and even labor were worth it for that little bundle. I thought they were all crazy. Now on the other side, I think that none of those experiences are fun but we endure them because we know there is a prize at the end of it all. Along with that prize comes a whole new level of responsibility and love that I've never experienced before. I love that little girl so much. I was afraid that I wouldn't love her but I SO do.
So yet again a change that has become a beautiful blessing.

The time will come when God moves me on from my current place, and I fear it. I know it is not my purpose to be comfortable here on earth- but honestly-I want to be?!

Kinsey Jewel Martin

Three months and 19 days ago I was in the hospital changing my life and seeing a new one begin. My daughter Kinsey Jewel was born on December 6th, 2009 at 1:29am. I've decided to create this blog for her. She can read it when she wants. Its not only for her, but for our friends and family, but she is my motivation and inspiration. My walk with the Lord has taken some turns into "dark alleys" as of late...and I love to journal.. so I'm trying the blog thing. Let me tell you what I am not. I am not reserved. I am not ashamed. I am not an optimist. I am not particulary well-spoken. I am not what the world would consider successful. I am not a role model. I am not perfect. On the other hand I am strident: outspoken, harsh. I am a worshipper: disciple and follower. Or at least I'm striving to be.